I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
