My sheets look like a crime scene.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
