I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Michael Bay diarrhea
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
