did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
