I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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