i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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