totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
