I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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