Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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