Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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