the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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