So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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