What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
