We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
