I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
