I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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