I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
