I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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