How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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