So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
