She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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