they need to just BURY HIM!
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
im holly from the hills drunk
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
