someone threw a dead crab at me
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
