The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
