I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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