420 ftw
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
bring money and cleavage
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
