my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
