I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
