just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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