i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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