i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
