I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
