If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
