I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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