when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
