You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I want to fling myself into the sun
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
