i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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