I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
