I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
