Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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