Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
