We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
