the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So gin and wine won't be happening again
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
