1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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