Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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