Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
