if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
