I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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