Define "chronic" masturbator.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
