Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Sext me about skeletons
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
