3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
